Pivotal Moments in Manipal

Just as a heads up, this is going to be a long post.  If you only have time to read one of the two sections, I would jump straight to Part II: Wisdom Across the Ages.  I have a feeling this post will be worth your time if you choose to stick it out :) 

Part I: My Experiences with Family and Culture

One of the most striking aspects of the culture here is that traditionally, families are extremely close.  My parents have tried describing the closeness to me back in the US, but I could never fully get a grasp of it until I visited my own family in Manipal.  To put things into perspective, my uncles, their spouses, their children, and the grandparent all live happily in the same house!  Manipal is small relative to the other cities we visited, so our immediate family members live within a 15-minute radius from each other, making large family gatherings more feasible.  Like in parts of the US, people become close with their neighbors here (although back in California I hardly know my neighbors at all).  My younger cousin tells me that children tend to hang out more with their families than they do with their classmates, which is very different from the cultural norm in the US.  Now I understand why I feel so driven to come home to California for medical school/work while many of my friends are ready for full-blown independence— being close with family is part of my heritage!

Family gatherings were a blast!  There were roughly 12 of us for each meal, and the food was incredible.  There were so many home-cooked dishes, many of which used locally grown produce, and each item was delicious.  I broke my “no uncooked food” rule to try local fruits, which were so unique.  I officially love sitaphal (custard apple) and sour grapefruit kernels with rock sugar.  Variations of these fruits grow in my family’s backyard, in addition to numerous other fruit trees, veggies and flowers.  

We started off our first family gathering with a “talent show” of sorts.  Before we arrived, my parents, brother and I were honestly not looking forward to this part due to our lack of performance talent, but we ended up having a blast!  My aunt and uncle put on a skit with beautiful dancing to welcome us to Manipal, and my great aunt did an improve dance which was a lot of fun for everyone!  My parents, brother and I selected a few riddles we knew for entertainment, which were thankfully a hit.  We would never think to hold such an event in the US, but I’m glad we did, because the “show” was great fun for everyone involved.   We then played games where my parents, brother and I had to guess the names and ages of the elders and uncles.  Then the elders had to guess my major and my brother’s hobbies through a multiple choice charades test.  There was no pressure if we forgot anyone’s names, and we laughed a LOT.

My great aunt dancing!

We also went out on a few family outings, my favorite of which were the boating trip I described in my last post, and a beach + temple trip.  Over a dozen of us piled into some cars and hit Malpe beach.  We snacked in the sand, played in the waters and built a shell-studded sand castle.  Unfortunately, an uncle of mine lost his phone in the ocean, but aside from that the trip was great!

A few of us on the Swarna river

Some of my family members and some random people at sunset.  I just liked the way the picture looked!

On the way home from the beach, we stopped at a temple in Udupi to watch the nightly winter ceremony.  The idol of Krishna was placed in a huge chariot, which people pulled in a circle around the temple property.  A beautiful decorated elephant led the proceedings, and they lit fireworks as the chariot went around.  The temple was so crowded that night, and for good reason.  It was quite a sight.

An elephant, which wasn't actually behind bars.  These iron gates didn't fully close, so the elephant was free to roam around.  You could choose to put money in its trunk, then it would touch your head with its trunk to bless you :)

The chariot being pulled by a crowd of people

Manipal was once a smaller town, but being home to a university has facilitated the city’s growth from when we last visited. My ancestor Dr. T.M.A Pai is responsible for Manipal’s massive growth because he founded the local medical and engineering schools, so we visited the museum built to commemorate his life and accomplishments.  The museum displays our family trees, which helped me get a sense of my family’s origins and how far we’ve come. 

Our family tree!

“It is no use feeling sorry for conditions in our country: It only means we must improve these conditions” –Dr. T.M.A Pai

This quote was posted on the wall of the museum.  It’s really great to see that my ancestors had similar principles that I still carry to this day through my work with Global Brigades, and through posts like “My Breaking Point!”

After leaving the museum, we visited the house in which my maternal grandma was born and raised, although now it has been converted into a modern restaurant.  The manager allowed us to take a tour of the restaurant as my great-aunt told us stories about her childhood with respect to different parts of the building.  Getting to see where the elders of my family were brought into this world was very powerful.  Without them, I wouldn't be here today!

Part II: Wisdom Across the Ages

As our trip in Manipal came to a close, my aunts warmly instructed me to share my secret to success with my younger cousins (an 8^th grader and a 10^th grader).   I am the oldest by far out of my generation of cousins—most of which are babies or young children, so they look up to me as a role model.  Now you have to understand, both of these two cousins are extremely bright.  The older cousin is an outstanding mathematician/musician and the younger cousin is an avid reader/writer.  So naturally, the first thing I told each of them when I pulled them aside was that I know in my heart that they each have bright futures ahead of them.   Afterwards, I let them know that in life, we all will undoubtedly make mistakes, but the key is to grow from each of them.  I personally have faltered quite a few times in my life, but the reason I am who I am today is because I’ve grown and learned from each mistake I’ve made.  And I also let them know that even if I’m not in India, I’m always quick call or email away if they ever need advice or fresh perspective from an outside source.  My cousins are family, so I promise to have their backs if they ever need me, and to keep their concerns private if that is what they so desire. 

In addition to my individual advice, my aunts thought it would be great if I shared my secrets to success with the entire family at our next dinner gathering, and so I did.  We all sat in a circle, and I shared similar advice to the entire group.  My uncles busted out the cameras and video taped my responses to share with other cousins who couldn’t be there.  It was quite nerve wracking and strange at first, but I grew comfortable in front of the large audience. 

30 minutes before we left for the airport to travel to Manipal, the parents of my cousins questioned me more about the key to my success in front of the large group.  As I spoke, elaborating on my previous advice, my uncle kept questioning fervently: but how do you make sure you end up successful?  And my reply was that if you never really can guarantee success—for all we know our lives could change drastically tomorrow because of uncontrollable circumstances, but if your heart is in the right place, everything will work out in the end.  We’ll all do things that stray from the path of success or our family values, but if we know the things we did were for the right reasons, it will be okay.  And that's just a natural part of life.  If we learn from our mistakes, we’ll keep growing into better people.

That answer still didn’t seem to fully satisfy them, but only because they were being good, but worried parents who want best for their children.  In a room full of 15 people, 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave, the parents of my cousins said passionately, “We just want our kids to be perfect like you.”  And that’s when the conversation got to me.  I’m not perfect, and have many faults. I don’t know much about my religion, my language, my home country.  I recently decided to take a gap year (which is frowned upon in Indian families when you could just go straight to med school), my SAT scores and MCAT scores weren’t perfect, etc.  I came to India very afraid that people wouldn’t accept me because of all these flaws.  And in America, I tend to distance myself from other Indian communities because I feel so judged.  (To put things into perspective, one time, an elderly Indian woman who I had just met criticized my acne in front of a huge group of people at a Konkani dinner party-- which wasn't even that crazy of an occurrence at an Indian party).  And to make everything harder, I'm pioneering the next generation of cousins-- setting the bar and having to decide how to strike cultural balances between my American lifestyle and Indian heritage without having anyone else in my age group to look up to.  I’m not perfect, and as I explained this, I started to tear up and cry. 

That’s when all the elders started chiming in with dewy eyes and smiles:
  

“Nobody’s perfect, we’re all human and have made mistakes!” 

“There’s a huge difference between community and family.  Indian communities judge hard, but family will love you no matter what"
"We know how you feel, we've been there and we all can relate in our own ways!"

"Being the first of the generation is hard. Two of us are also the oldest of our generation, and have felt the pressure of leading the youngsters too"
“We love you and we’re so proud of you!”

“Come back to India!”

And then we had to say our goodbyes and rush off to the airport.

In Manipal, I don’t feel like I’m being judged. In my experience, Indian communities in the states focus on my generation’s flaws.  But here, my family focuses on achievements. Now, I know in my heart that I’ll always fit in here as long as I stay true to myself, even if I deviate from what I picture the ideal Indian woman to be.  This experience was probably my most transformative moment of the trip, even more so than the one described in "My Breaking Point."  For moments like these, I’ll always be grateful.  

Thanks for sticking through this long post!  Stay tuned for my final post about my experiences in India.  It's been a great journey :)